Greater Than

Have you ever seen that meme with the little girl holding a stick to a little boy saying “I’m not bossy. I have skills…leadership skills!!! Understand?” If you haven’t seen it, look below.

How does that meme make you feel? This particular one has been shared with me by various people so I have many feelings about it. Now we could spend time diving into the perspectives and word choice others use, but I think for this, let’s talk about how we receive it. When someone sends it to me my immediate thoughts are, “Wait, people think I’m bossy?” Is this what the picture intends to imply? In fact if you ask those closest to me, they will tell you that my drive and cheerleading are some of my best qualities. On the flipside however, something I struggle with on the daily is others’ opinions of me. Some people have the “I don’t care what others think” attitude. But not this girl. I was not blessed with that gift. Instead I work daily to fight my natural urges to care so much.

I recently started reading a new book, “Think Like a Monk” by Jay Shetty. (Don’t knock it based on the title. Thus far it is superb. Shetty begins the book with quote by Charles Horton Cooley, “I am not what I think I am, and I am not what you think I am. I am what I think you think I am.” Stop, read it again. How profound is that. *Insert mind blown emoji* Now maybe you’ve already successfully moved past this, but for those that haven’t, sit with me for a second. If you’re anything like me, you can morph to fit those around you and be who they think you are. Great skill until you lose yourself and just want to make others happy. *Raising my hand* because it is me. Ooops! 

Learning this about myself is enlightening. How much influence I give to others over me is/was astounding. And did you catch that wording? I GIVE it to others. It is my choice whether others’ opinions matter. This means I have to do some work on me. 

Another quote I love from one of my favorite podcasts is, “Why do you let people in the cheap seats influence what you do?” I think this quote really puts it into perspective. If people are not “in the arena with you” as Brene Brown would say, then their opinion matters zero. If they are not in the trenches, doing the work, being vulnerable, trying to support others as they go for their dreams, (Side note: It is not pie! There is room for everyone!) then there is no room for your opinion in my life…no matter who you are to me. 

Making this resolution is one thing; keeping it proves to be a whole other feat. This one is one I still strive toward. What helps me? Well, I am glad you asked. Journaling about my wants/dreams, feelings and emotions, and what is keeping me from pursuing something. I also got a hat made that says “GREATER THAN” *see photo* to remind me that I am greater than others’ opinions. I’m greater than my thoughts, my weight, my masks I wear, not saying something, etc. I am greater than letting other things that do not align with me stop me from achieving my goals and the life I want to live.

“I am not what I think I am, and I am not what you think I am. I am what I think you think I am.”

~Charles Horton Cooley

It is interview season in pharmacy world. Fresh grads are interviewing for their first jobs or residencies as new resident grads look to secure their “first big person job”. Ah it is an exciting time. But regardless of if you’re a pharmacist or not, in an interview you’ll likely get or have gotten the dreaded question, “Tell me about yourself.” My husband HATES this question because it is too vague. I personally love interviews and have a fun answer that usually goes something like this, “I am from southern Indiana and was raised in an IU household. If you’re unaware, IU’s rival is Purdue, which happens to be my alma mater so I’m literally the black (and gold) sheep of the family. *insert interviewer chuckle here* I grew up doing 4-H, dance, and taekwondo, all of which gave me essential life skills and lessons I still use to this day. I value teaching and better myself daily therefore I feel I am a perfect fit to position XYZ.” I’ve gotten pretty good results using various forms of this introduction in interviews, but recently I have been reflecting. What does this answer tell them about me? Well, in my honest opinion, not what I really want them to know. I gives them insight only into groups I can be associated with and a vague idea of my passions. Not really helpful other than the laugh to break the ice about the black sheep comment. What if I changed my answer? What do I want people to know about me? What do I want them to believe about me? What do I want to believe about myself?

You see, the fact is I am so much more than a Purdue alum and someone who has done 4-H. While I haven’t used my refined answer in an interview yet, my attitude towards myself changed when I started think, “What am I?” I’m not only a Boilermaker, pharmacist, wife, or daughter. I am not defined by those labels completely. Not that those are bad, but those labels can be taken away. I cannot place my identity in them solely. I know this because I lost my dad in high school. While I am still Bruce’s daughter, it rings a little different when he isn’t here to experience life with me. Knowing that life can change my labels in an instant, I began to think where I want to place my identity. How do I want to answer the who are you question? My answer now:

I am a child of God. I am love. I am intelligence. I am beauty. I am fun. I am creative. I do hard things. I am worthy. I am greater than *insert whatever I am currently facing*. These are the attributes I want people to know about me. These are where I want my identity to be. These are how I want to align my actions to get outcomes. I repeat those phrases, “I am a child of God. I am love. I am intelligence. I am beauty. I am fun. I am creative. I do hard things. I am worthy. I am greater than *insert whatever I am currently facing*,” everyday. The more often I speak them, the more often I believe them. The more I believe them, the more I act them out. The more I act them out, the easier they are to say and the more I believe them. What beautiful circle of empowering thoughts. This way I can own the labels I give myself. I can be greater than falling into boxes of predetermined identities and staying there. I can choose how I view myself, act, and want to be seen. So, if you told me about yourself in an interview, what would you say? What key information would you want to relay? How do you label yourself?

“Do not let the roles you play in life make you forget who you are.” 

Roy T. Bennett

I hate snakes. Ironic because I am a Slytherin, but alas we are where we are. My fear of snakes is not what we are here to discuss. Let’s talk about the fears that keep us from doing something we want to do. Fear has a place. It’s how humans have survived this long. The fear response kept us alive. “Oh that’s not safe. Must make myself afraid so I don’t die.” -Your brain to your nervous system. While this system is amazing, just like every other system, the unforeseen consequences can be harmful. Now that we human beings aren’t in immediate danger all the time, when this system does kick in, it spurs inaction in us when we sense uncertainty. 

Outside of immediate danger, uncertainty drives fear. “If I do this, I don’t know what will happen and that scares me.” That fear keeps us from doing the thing we want/need to do: having that hard conversation, playing softball with your co-workers, starting a podcast, learning a new language, etc. DO THE THING! Yes, anxiety might creep in, but I have found that it is almost never as scary as my brain thought it would be. My example for this? You’re reading it. I wanted to start a blog since the end of 2019. I told my husband that 2020 would be my year. While I did start my blog in 2020, my first post was not until late December 2020. Due to my fears, I missed out on several months of sharing and teaching.

I was afraid to share my thoughts. Why? Well, I am an enneagram 3. If you do not know about the enneagram, it is a personality system that identifies core desires and fears instead of behaviors. As an enneagram 3–an achiever or performer, I do care about how others view me. (For the longest time I felt guilt over this, but not anymore. A separate blog post will come for this topic.) Since I care what others think, I was worried I would be ridiculed for my opinions, how I do things, and how I write. What helped me for this? My husband asked who I wanted to serve with this blog followed by asking if who I was worried about was the same demographic. My answer? No. The next question he asked then why does it matter? He’s right, it doesn’t. What matters is that I did try and put myself out there to share with the audience I wanted to. Outside of them, it does not matter. As Brene Brown writes, “Sometimes the bravest and most important thing you can do is just show up.”

An additional fear was putting my writing on display for all. I have never thought of myself as a “good” writer. Laying out my writing for all to see feels like I’m fully exposed. While I was in the “advanced English classes” middle school through high school, I skimmed by on writing assignments and hated English class the most. It didn’t come naturally for me. I always received much feedback on my writing assignments, but it wasn’t until recently that I saw that as a good thing. Throughout my schooling I saw all the red on my papers as a sign that my writing was not good enough. I’ve carried that with me for years into much of my training. However, now I realize that this fear kept me from serving others through this blog.

You see, I wasn’t sure the response I would get. It has been so surprising to me the number of people telling me how much they enjoy reading and learning from my blog. If I had continued to listen to my fears, this wouldn’t have happened. I chose to be brave and just start showing up. In fact, one of my goals for 2021 is to create a flourishing and ever serving blog as seen by the photo of part of my vision board.

So, what are you fearing? Be brave and start showing up. You’ll likely be surprised at the feedback you might receive. Stop letting fear hold you back. You are GREATER THAN your fears.

“Sometimes the bravest and most important thing you can do is just show up.”

-Brene Brown

With the title I used, I’m sure you’re probably ready to hate on me or praise me during these COVID times. Buuuuttttt, slow down. That is not the mask I’m talking about. (PS-wear a mask, it is not hard and could help. Act out of love for others.) Back to the main point. The concept of people wearing a “mask” and showing only what we want others to know is not new. Some claim that it was started in the era of social media, but we have always done this. Though, social media likely made it worse. Just think about prior eras of history and how people presented themselves to society, prim and proper, striving for perfection without a hair out of place and wearing only the best. NO ONE ALWAYS LOOKS OR ACTS LIKE THAT! If you’re a human being, it is impossible. This mask of false perfection is what I’m talking about. I shamefully admit that up until recently, I strived for perfection and wore a mask proudly.

Now this is a concept I have been wrestling with since high school when I first heard Stain Glass Masquerade by Casting Crowns (Click here to listen.) on a mission trip. If you don’t decide to listen, the essence of the song is that people in church hide what is happening in their lives and look perfect. As someone who always thought they had to be successful/perfect to get love, I felt this in my bones and remember breaking down. To this day, this song gives me all the feelings. 

I am learning that most have more in common than we think. We as human beings all have experienced and will again experience: hardships, challenges, joys, grief, elation, pain, growth, fear, etc. There is always something going on that others may not know about as we wear our perfection masks. We want others “to know” we are okay. But, that is a bold lie. Why do I say that? Because when I looked at my mask, what I was masking was the most broken in me or largest challenge for me at the time. I saw that area as not perfect, so mask up I did. What did this look like for me? Well, I worked diligently to excel at school, church/youth group, 4-H, dance, taekwondo, basically everything I was involved in to look perfect and distract others from my weight. I thought I could get love here and have the “perfect” life and no one would know how much I dislike myself. (Man, my masking thoughts were/are mean. None of my friends would ever say that to me.) What other masks do I sometimes wear? One example: “My husband and I have a great relationship with no effort.” While the first part is true (highlighted by our lovely photo), the mask of “no effort” is a complete lie. Sometimes it is WORK. Sometimes it is having the conversation you don’t want to have. Sometimes it is admitting you’re wrong…yes, YOU can be wrong. 

Did you get a visceral feeling after reading that last sentence? That’s why I think unmasking can be straight up painful and difficult. It shows a point of struggle, but then also means you have to take responsibility for your unmasked self. It leaves you exposed. Scary! And, scary beautiful. As I work to be unmasked by talking about my life and journeys, my growth has been exponential. I’m stronger in my faith, physically, mentally, emotionally, in my leadership skills, and in my relationships. Showing up fully as only me highlighted other passions like teaching, which is why I’m blogging. I encourage you to start unmasking whatever you’re trying to portray to others. It will be a challenge, but you are greater than keeping yourself covered up in shiny plastic packaging. You are enough and greater than whatever you are hiding behind.

“Are we happy plastic people

Under shiny plastic steeples

With walls around our weakness

And smiles that hide our pain

But the invitations open

To every heart that’s been broken

Maybe then we close the curtain

On our stained glass masquerade”

Stained Glass Masquerade by Casting Crowns

The picture above is a sign reading “peace” on a mound of dirt next to the lake I walk our dog around. I’ve seen it before and even watched the man who put it there stroll down, but this week it hit me a little different as I think peace is what many are searching for.

I find myself like many others not having words for the events of recent. So this post is me doing some processing and figuring out how to move forward. I’m sharing this to let others know that it is okay to not know what to say or how to say it, but stilling quietly is still an action of inaction. Being a passive part of history is not something I want. So let’s process together.

All the events of 2020 and now into 2021 are unprecedented for everyone. Taking it all in can be difficult. If no one has told you this, let me be the first. IT IS OKAY TO CHANGE YOUR MIND WHEN YOU GET NEW INFORMATION. (Yes, that needed an all caps rage.) I’ll admit that this time last year when COVID started in China, I did not think it would be a big deal. After learning the severity of the disease and reading the new trials/scientific literature, I began to see that my initial thoughts were incorrect. As I continue to learn from multiple sources, I’m sure my opinions about how to best care for myself, my family, and my patients will continue to evolve. I think growing and evolving ourselves and our thoughts is one of the most valuable things we can do to benefit ourselves and our communities.

In fact, many people have told me, “you’ve changed” or “well, you used to do this”. My response now? That’s cool, thanks. If someone remembers me a certain way and only wants that Lindsay, then I’m sorry to leave you behind because I’m committed to growth. Part of my growth journey has included learning more about American history. Some interesting things I’ve learned: Many who lived in England during the Revolutionary War thought those living in America were whiny and ungrateful for what England has done and will do for them. (Sound familiar?) The current sheriff’s start we still use today originated as a symbol from the slave patrol. During the Civil Rights Movement, the US covered up the separation issues to the rest of the world and painted only beautiful pictures of black and whites together while attempting to shift focus on the space race. Martin Luther King’s “I have a dream speech” was influence by singer, Mahalia Jackson, encouraging him to put his notes away and share his dream. Interracial marriage was outlawed from 1664 (first by a colony in Maryland, before it was Maryland) to 1967. Crazy things! Learning all this made me acknowledge the privilege I experience and how much I still have to learn.

As a Christian, I believe in loving everyone. I needed to check myself to ensure I’m doing that. Sitting quietly while others suffer is not loving them in my opinion. So I’m here to show up all the while knowing I’ll get it wrong. I’m here to state my current beliefs knowing some might disagree, and I welcome a good discussion. On the other hand, hate has no place here.

So my current thoughts, COVID is real and tragic for some who get it. Watching people die alone in the hospital is heartbreaking. Please socially distance, limit interactions, wear a mask, and get vaccinated when you can. Black lives matter. End of story–If a group feels so oppressed to have to single themselves out to have that acknowledged, we as a community should check ourselves. I don’t condone the looting from some of the riots, but I feel I’m finally to begin to understand why some chose to take that path. LGBTQIA lives matter. I’m still learning much about this particular area, but I’m trying knowing that I’ll get it wrong especially in the beginning. Our veterans matter so much, and I cannot imagine the things they endure. The service of police is amazing, but they should be held accountable for their actions. The Capitol building rioters succeeded in further separating a divided nation that needs to heal. Indigenous people can teach us so much about our spirits and the Earth. I want to be a better listener especially to those that don’t look or think like me.

The only way to grow is to step out of my comfort zone. So this is me stepping out and offering a space of love and grace because it was freely given to me. Lord knows I need it so I intend to share. Finally, I will conclude with a set of verses read frequently at weddings, but I think it would do us all a large amount of good to remember these words in every single interaction we have.

If I speak in the tongues of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. ² If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. ³ If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast, but do not have love, I gain nothing.

⁴ Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. ⁵ It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. ⁶ Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. ⁷ It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

⁸ Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. ⁹ For we know in part and we prophesy in part, ¹⁰ but when completeness comes, what is in part disappears.¹¹ When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me. ¹² For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

¹³ And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

1 Corinthians 13 (NIV)

I open my arms and welcome everyone to this post that carries with it a variety of feelings. I had planned a different post for today, but I felt this tug on my heart to share this, especially with it being the new year. Right now, many are making goals surrounding their health with a focus on their weight. I hope this blog will help you frame a proper goal and aid you in the journey. This topic is heavy and full of all kinds of emotion. I’m sharing my own, personal thoughts and experiences. Up front I also want to acknowledge that my view points are from an obese/overweight experience, but I know that some struggle with weighing enough. I want to make room for those on the other side of the spectrum and hope to offer them peace and that they might also find this post beneficial.

Now let’s dig in, into my past. It’s time to have courage and vulnerability–Brene Brown better be proud of me. In my senior year of high school starting college, I weighed just over 220 pounds. I was tired all the time and hated my body. I compared myself to the “skinny” girls in high school and at dance. I lived by the false thought, which I knew was false, “muscle weighs more than fat, I have more muscle.” I knew that was a lie, and it didn’t really make me feel better. It was a defense because I knew I could do better. I’d been fat for as long as I could remember, and I didn’t know anything else. Fast forward to college, I decided that I was done being fat and to start working out. While about 40 pounds melted off, I never could get over that hump and lose more. While I sometimes liked working out, other times I was punishing my body and trying to make it look like others. My weight continued to haunt me.

It wasn’t until early 2020 when I really made peace with my body, and it still can be a daily choice. What is different between the Lindsay now and the Lindsay from high school/college/residency? It’s not just numbers on the scale that continue to change. I became grateful for my overweight body, round tummy, rolls, and thick legs. I realized–and this was not overnight, but weeks/months of praying and reconciling–hating something never helps it improve. You can see that in the Bible, in educational literature, and in other real life experiences. Hate invites fear, which is the opposite of joy. I was hating my body in hopes of losing weight to reach joy. Even as I type this, I cannot believe my brain thought in this backwards way. But hey, I’m only human and so are you. If you’re experiencing this, you’re not alone. Being grateful to my body changed how I treated it. I started by writing out why I am grateful for this body. A few things on my list were:

• This body got me through 6 years of college and 2 years of residency.
• This body kept living when my life was uprooted when my dad passed suddenly.
• This body has the ability to care for and love future children.
• This body has recovered from a broken arm.
• This body has learned and loved dancing and taekwondo.
• This body is pretty amazing.

After that, I thought I have done all that without “proper care”. “Imagine what I can do when I love on it?” You see, I can be grateful for where my body is right now and love it fully but still want to improve it. It is possible to love your body as is AND make moves to better it without punishing it. So, I made changes to bless my body. However, I also made mistakes and failed to bless my body. In those times I leaned on grace so hard that I’m pretty sure God wanted to remind me that I still had two legs to stand on. Daily I remind and reminded myself of all the things I can do and have done. I realize I am more than my weight, a number on a scale. I choose to no longer weigh myself by my weight, but my other attributes–love, grace, intelligence, drive, resourcefulness, compassion, etc. I can confidently say that now my average daily feeling about myself is energized and confident. Most importantly, grace for myself was essential on my journey and still is.

If you want to talk about this sensitive topic or want more information about my journey, please reach out. As I wrap up, let me share a version of my daily prayer that that can be tweaked to a mantra of sorts if preferred.

Lord, thank you for giving me a body to do the work you have called me to do. Without this body, I would not be where I am. I am still learning how to care for it and love it as you do. Please help me, guide me, and remind me daily to love and bless it. Give me grace for my own self as I learn. With love and thanks to you my Good Father. Amen.

So 2020 was the year I took up running for more than the occasion workout/holiday 5K (more on the why behind that later). However, we live in Minnesota. I don’t know if you know this, but it gets cold in Minnesota. Therefore as much as I would like to run outside all the time, I’d rather not be frostbitten so treadmill running it is. Our apartment gym has the fancy, interactive treadmills that take you to New Zealand, France, Zion National Park, etc. Cool right? Let me tell you something cooler. Since I have been working on running faster, I don’t often change the incline, but the video of all those beautiful places with inclines still plays. Sometimes as I am running, I feel my stomach hitting the front of the treadmill where the safety button is. Why? I didn’t know at first either. Then I realized that when it happened, the video was displaying inclines and my brain said, “Hey! We’re going uphill. You better run harder to keep the pace and get up this hill.” Cool right? As much as I love the heart being a cardiology pharmacist, this exercise of my brain is pretty fascinating to me. It also highlighted to me that I don’t control every thought or action.

“Wait, what? Lindsay, what are you saying?” I’m saying you don’t control what you initially think. (DON’T take this out of context.) Why was this important to me? I am a recovering Negative Nancy (sorry to all the Nancys out there.) I played and replayed negative thoughts in my head, on repeat. Those thoughts equated to my worth, and you can imagine how much of a vicious cycle this can become. The negativity became a manifesting destiny. While I was still able to achieve goals, I only saw the stumbling blocks and complained along the way. Realizing that my thoughts don’t define me, especially the negative ones has allowed me to change my actions and improve myself immensely. Now, I’m not perfect and continue to work on changing negative thoughts, my increased awareness makes it easier daily.

Something else that gets overall easier daily, running. I told you that I’d share more about running later so here it is. My mom likes to tell a story from when I was little. I wanted to try a 3-day soccer camp because all the kids were doing it. My parents bought me all the things: cleats, shin guards, soccer ball, socks, etc. I was ready and excited for camp. After the first day, I apparently came home and told my family that soccer wasn’t for me; it was too much running. Running isn’t something I’ve always enjoyed or came easy. In fact as an overweight middle- and high-schooler, I told myself that I’m just not a runner. That’s why I can’t run like the athletes of my class. Well, I most certainly wouldn’t when I talked like that. College got me into working out and running. I did my first 5K at Purdue and felt immense pride for running 3.1 miles even if my best friend ran his in 21 minutes. This was one time where I didn’t care that someone “beat me” because I did it for me and proved I could. My mind was manifesting positivity. Then life happened when I was in rotations for pharmacy school and residency and my running slowed. I was convinced all I could really do was run a 5K. I once ran 5 miles while at Purdue, but I didn’t think I could ever do it again. When January 2020 rolled around, I was swept up in making 2020 my year–time to challenge myself. “How can I do that? Running more than I think is humanly possible for my body. Yes, I’m going to run a half-marathon.” What? I just told you that I’ve never run more than 5 miles in my life. Also, when I decided this 2 miles was my limit, maybe 2.5 miles on an extremely good day. I decided it though, and I was going to do it. I heard in podcasts about envisioning accomplishing and working towards something, especially a physical goal. So I did it. I changed the story in my head to, “I am a runner. I am a runner. I am a runner.” As I trained and the miles increased, I began to believe it more and more. Despite the fact that the half I signed up for was cancelled, I still wanted to run it. On August 8, 2020 I ran my first ever half-marathon, on a trail I mapped out in my city with my husband and friends waiting for me at the end. It was an AMAZING feeling. Now, in 2021 I want to run 2 half-marathons and look to do a full in 2022.

Why do I share my story about running? Because I want to see from my example that the thoughts I had about myself, the one I chose to listen to dictated if I could accomplish what seemed initially like an outlandish goal. Yes, some runs were challenging, and I wanted to quit. There were definitely thoughts of, “What are you doing? You think you’ll be able to do this? You can only run a max of 5 miles, you know.” I decided to me more than my initial thoughts. Instead I focused on, “You’ve been challenged before, you can overcome. You can and have done hard things. You just ran 6 miles, what is a few more?” Owning and becoming more than my thoughts has allowed my to accomplish many things during this crazy year, and I hope it will help you in the future.

“Think you can, think you can’t; either way you’ll be right.”

Henry Ford