I open my arms and welcome everyone to this post that carries with it a variety of feelings. I had planned a different post for today, but I felt this tug on my heart to share this, especially with it being the new year. Right now, many are making goals surrounding their health with a focus on their weight. I hope this blog will help you frame a proper goal and aid you in the journey. This topic is heavy and full of all kinds of emotion. I’m sharing my own, personal thoughts and experiences. Up front I also want to acknowledge that my view points are from an obese/overweight experience, but I know that some struggle with weighing enough. I want to make room for those on the other side of the spectrum and hope to offer them peace and that they might also find this post beneficial.
Now let’s dig in, into my past. It’s time to have courage and vulnerability–Brene Brown better be proud of me. In my senior year of high school starting college, I weighed just over 220 pounds. I was tired all the time and hated my body. I compared myself to the “skinny” girls in high school and at dance. I lived by the false thought, which I knew was false, “muscle weighs more than fat, I have more muscle.” I knew that was a lie, and it didn’t really make me feel better. It was a defense because I knew I could do better. I’d been fat for as long as I could remember, and I didn’t know anything else. Fast forward to college, I decided that I was done being fat and to start working out. While about 40 pounds melted off, I never could get over that hump and lose more. While I sometimes liked working out, other times I was punishing my body and trying to make it look like others. My weight continued to haunt me.
It wasn’t until early 2020 when I really made peace with my body, and it still can be a daily choice. What is different between the Lindsay now and the Lindsay from high school/college/residency? It’s not just numbers on the scale that continue to change. I became grateful for my overweight body, round tummy, rolls, and thick legs. I realized–and this was not overnight, but weeks/months of praying and reconciling–hating something never helps it improve. You can see that in the Bible, in educational literature, and in other real life experiences. Hate invites fear, which is the opposite of joy. I was hating my body in hopes of losing weight to reach joy. Even as I type this, I cannot believe my brain thought in this backwards way. But hey, I’m only human and so are you. If you’re experiencing this, you’re not alone. Being grateful to my body changed how I treated it. I started by writing out why I am grateful for this body. A few things on my list were:
- This body got me through 6 years of college and 2 years of residency.
- This body kept living when my life was uprooted when my dad passed suddenly.
- This body has the ability to care for and love future children.
- This body has recovered from a broken arm.
- This body has learned and loved dancing and taekwondo.
- This body is pretty amazing.
After that, I thought I have done all that without “proper care”. “Imagine what I can do when I love on it?” You see, I can be grateful for where my body is right now and love it fully but still want to improve it. It is possible to love your body as is AND make moves to better it without punishing it. So, I made changes to bless my body. However, I also made mistakes and failed to bless my body. In those times I leaned on grace so hard that I’m pretty sure God wanted to remind me that I still had two legs to stand on. Daily I remind and reminded myself of all the things I can do and have done. I realize I am more than my weight, a number on a scale. I choose to no longer weigh myself by my weight, but my other attributes–love, grace, intelligence, drive, resourcefulness, compassion, etc. I can confidently say that now my average daily feeling about myself is energized and confident. Most importantly, grace for myself was essential on my journey and still is.
If you want to talk about this sensitive topic or want more information about my journey, please reach out. As I wrap up, let me share a version of my daily prayer that that can be tweaked to a mantra of sorts if preferred.
Lord, thank you for giving me a body to do the work you have called me to do. Without this body, I would not be where I am. I am still learning how to care for it and love it as you do. Please help me, guide me, and remind me daily to love and bless it. Give me grace for my own self as I learn. With love and thanks to you my Good Father. Amen.
Greater Than 