This weekend it was sunny and in the 50s, so I took our dog on a long walk. He loved it, and I loved it. Being outdoors, despite the blustering wind, felt like church. The sun was shining bright, we were walking at a brisk pace, and I had country music playing. What a delightful afternoon. While walking, I had the realization that it was the closest I’ve felt to God recently. Why? Honest, I have been de- and reconstructing myself and my faith. I’ve been trying to read, understand, and reconcil what I have been taught in the past. Truthfully, a lot of those don’t go together.
Quarantine was what really got me started on deconstructing everything I had built and believed. Not because my life altered as much as some, but simply because church stopped happening in person, AND we stopped listening to weekly sermons. I know some of you right now are shaming me, but it was a breath of fresh air. Over about the past year, I have realized that for me the church did a lot of good, but it also did a lot of bad and gave me limiting beliefs. This past year I have walked through the wilderness stumbling around, looking to other things to sustain me–my job, my friends, my dog, my husband, art. I found nothing as good as God’s love. You might be thinking, but wait Lindsay, isn’t that what church teaches you? With words yes, but with actions, that hasn’t always been my experience. For me church was always the place where you have to look and act the part. Behave and be a good little girl who listens and does as she is told–that will get you to God. It was also one of the places where I was most ridiculed about my weight by some (not all), and I was always reminded that I lived on the eastside of town, not the westside, “the best side”, where our church was located. I don’t know about you, but based on the bible stories I’ve read, perfect peolpe cannot be further from how God calls people. My heart aches for middle school and high school Lindsay knowing the stress she put on herself to be perfect and achieve to get love.
This past year, I craved out time and finally read the Bible from Genesis to Revelation. While I’m no theologian, I saw story after story of chosen imperfect people making repeated wrong decisions while God still pursued and loved them. *Mind blown* Again, while my mind knew this, reading it and experiencing it through only my eyes hit me differently. I always thought I needed to be perfect and achieve leading me to wear a mask (as if I were going to a masquerade) to fit in. One verse that in particular took a lot of exploration. Matthew 5:48 “Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect.” This verse on the surface seems straight forward, but it didn’t make sense to me with other stories I was reading. In looking into the Greek translations, the words used mean to work to attain God’s perfection through growth and love. Not actually achieving it, but it is looking to take steps to get there. Not just do things perfectly but move and progress to come closer to God. That is a beautiful relationship and one that I want with God. That imperfect relationship is perfection. I do not have to go and do all the things right. I just want to love and be grace for myself and others because God gave that to me. That’s how I grow into perfection.
It took not going to church for me to realize that I should not aim for perfection by action, but grow in love to align with God. I look forward to more church days of sunny, warm weather and long walks with Kaiser. I may make it back to church, but I’m honestly not ready yet. The church may be where God is needed most, but at this time, He is calling me elsewhere. Where exactly? I don’t know, but I do know that I am currently listening better outside of four walls.
Greater Than 